Happy New Year!!

2018_new year copy

Considering where I am at this moment in time, I think it is time for me to rethink a number of issues.  I need to make sure that my conclusions are not biased by my experiences.   As a survivor with PTSD, I am sure that they are. Getting to the root of the problems will be my goal.

One thing I decided in the last few days is that my oldest reminds me too much of her father and of my mother.  When I made the realization it just blew my mind.  I never realized that my ex-husband had behaviors that were anything like my mothers.  I had a boyfriend once and I joked that I was working on my ‘mommy’ issues with him.

Wow, did I have that wrong.  Anyway, I have to really, really turn this around in my mind because relationship(s) may rest upon the conclusions.  At the moment, I honestly see the relationship(s) as dead. I’ve seen it that way for months now.

I can’t live with (not physically live with) someone who is willing to talk down to me as if I were an idiot.  If I can install software on a server, and make it run, build a website including graphics.  I sure don’t need anyone telling me what the definition of ‘trolling’ and ‘lying’ are.  Duh.  Waste of time and breath.  It’s called, “Intellectualizing.”  The girl has been a master of it for many, many years.  One of her therapists told me so when she was a little girl.  The therapist explained what it was, why it was, etc. etc.etc.  It is a way to ‘escape’ from whatever it is she wants to escape from.  She’s been frantically running for years now.  But, hey, what do I know?

Two dead relationships… 2nd daughter down… returned all the photos I had of her and family.  Deleted her contact information (did the same with kid #1).  Deleted those photos from hard drives, and back ups.  She should have the answer now to how serious I take that one.  And her adoptive father, considered it all dead the moment her husband called me that name, that I would never voice.  I hate that word, it is ugly. Big waste of time and energy.  Broken dreams.  My world is just falling apart.

Fourth kid down, 19. I miss her.  I am sorry I was so rough on her.  But it all had to be said.  Her ‘horde’ was her death in the making.  She had no room to run in case of a fire.
I offered to help.  She’d gone from a room that was gutted out and renovated with her and her health in mind, i.e. extra insulation in the walls, carpet to help hold in heat, etc.  She could not/would not keep it clean.  6-7 years of that, I switched her room and put her in my ‘office’.  She didn’t keep it clean.  So, in total 10 years or so, I’ve been riding her tail to get her room clean… though, that was not daily or even weekly.  I believe in having patience.

Keep in mind while doing all this ‘riding’ that I’d go in her room to help her clean it up, and organize and that would cause my  (then) husband to get angry because he didn’t think I should help her at all.  In most situations with my children, the past few years with him–I’ve been damned if I do and damned if I don’t.   Him getting sick and being home 24/7 has been horrible for me.  Care taking is a horrendous job that I would think would overwhelm any one.  It was exhausting.  He got so sick he could not even bathe himself.  He sat in the shower and let his head hang.  I took care of everything. 

I was ready to call the VA and get him into a program where we had support services, when he started getting better.  He still has issues, but he feels a lot better.  Now because he is home 24/7, and feeling well enough to participate in life, I don’t have ‘domain’ anymore, not really.  He doesn’t understand why I just want to be alone for awhile.  He does not realize that I take his criticisms so badly.  He has no clue what position he puts me in, pushing an pushing… If I had 100% my way about my 19– I would have kept my patience and helped her out.  He had lost his patience.  He complained to me. Pressure, just constant pressure.   He (and any other human I suppose) has his way of pushing to get what he wants. And I being the very well trained subservient female still has a tendency to ‘do as told’ if I don’t think about it. I did feel pushed to do what I did.  And there is this other problem of — how he jumps right in and tells them what to do (or whatever) without consulting me.  It has reached a stage where if I feel that I should handle something that is important enough, then I’ll race to take care of the problem before he does.  Yes, I feel very, very pressured. 

When you are 19 years old, and the owner of the home you are living in tells you, you need to do something (like clean up your living space, especially considering she wasn’t paying any rent either, and promised to keep the area clean prior to us letting her back into the home).   Then that is what you do if you want to continue to live there.  I guess she did not want to live here.  There was no way to avoid this train crash.  I could have been less rash, and maybe I could have held my temper.  I say maybe because I was going through withdrawals from a blood pressure medication that I was NOT told was psychoactive.  It was so bad I was having hallucinations.   The hallucinations were so bad that I even screamed once.  As on edge and scared as I was, and not thinking too good to boot… it’s probably a wonder it wasn’t worse.   Also, remember this scene had been building for literally years.

What they do not take into account is that this is not normal behavior for me.  I’ve never, ever had it out with any of my kids like this.  Now, having said that… my oldest went through this stage when she was 12.  So, was she that far ahead of the others, or is my youngest that far behind.  I’ll probably never know.  Sometimes, I’m not even sure I care anymore.

One thing I do know about 19.  I do absolutely miss her the most. I knew the trouble with #1 was coming.  I saw it coming years and years ago.  It was just a matter of time before my moral view of the world collided with hers.  We are both strong minded, and very vocal.  In my mind, even though, I have some mental illness (PTSD, Depression)  that skews the way I see things, I still believe that I am more sane than she is.  And while she’d surely disagree,  being her mother, and seeing how clean her place was for YEARS (it was disgusting. I actually thought about calling the health department on her, and I did tell her she needed therapy) and YET, she thinks she has no problems.  The truth isAll she is mirroring her biological fathers words, attitudes, and deeds.  He was a detriment to her and her health then, and he is a detriment now.  Now, she’s playing the old messages in her head, and repeating them.  She might convince others, but she’ll never convince me.  I know her too well.  Love her, want the best for her, proud that she’s made it this far in her life, but sad, because there is so much more to it all.  I can’t even pull her aside and share what I have learned, that her MS was probably caused by the abuse by my step father and her father.  The book I read,  that would probably help.  The whole mess is frustrating, but, one that I have to be willing to walk away from to keep my own sanity intact.

It is all of this, plus the fact that she is very skilled at what was once called ‘crazymaking’ and often referred to as ‘gaslighting’.  For now at least,  on an emotional plane I view her as an abuser of people.  I see her as manipulative and cunning.  How does a mother get past that? I really don’t think I can do it other than by just being willing to walk away.  She is an adult, she’s making her choices.  Most of those choices are fine.  A couple of really major ones that I can’t live with, are not, in my mind, ok.  She doesn’t give a damn what I say, think, or feel.  So, on we go…. she can go her way and I’ll go mine.

SO….. #4:  her ‘bedroom’ (which was a whole garage) is back to being our living room now.   My old living room is back to being our dining room.  I’ll soon have wall to hang a HUGE oriental fan that was bought for me.  It is a dark purple and has tigers on it.  It is WAY cool.  I missed the dining room.  We’ve eaten at the table nearly every night since getting it back.  A very small routine that is very important to a stable living arrangement.

On another note, #3 the man/boy (27 yrs. in January) has been slowly showing signs of growing up.  I told those around me that when he gets off parole,  September 2018, if he stays consistent with the direction he’s heading now then there are no more concerns for him.  He’ll have his trials and struggles like all of us do.  But, I’m really proud of the step he is taking.

The past few days, I’ve realized that I am letting that “we’ll see” view drop.  He’s given away all of his pot clothes, in other words any piece of clothing, or decorations (on the walls), or linen that has an image of pot in/on it, as in a decoration has hit the trash bin or been given away.

He has begun to mentor his friends (although he has not realized it yet).  He’s doing his own laundry on a regular basis. He’s showing much more respect than he has for years.  And while he still has issues, my goodness, he might just be more sane than myself.  He is bipolar, autistic, personality disorder w/ learning disabilities…etc.  His deck was stacked against him from the beginning.  A ‘boyfriend’ of mine made it far worse, as did my not recognizing what was going on and being slow in getting the ‘boyfriend’ out.  That is not to say ‘boyfriend’ wasn’t asked to leave, he most certainly, asked, begged, and demanded several times over many years.  Keep in mind, he never asked to move in, in the first place.

I was in that place in my life, still trying to figure out to say NO.  My boundaries were very squishy.  I had made my mind up to move towards health in a mental, emotional, and spiritual way.  But it has been a long and painful haul.

Son is thinking about the future and is thinking about horticulture and/or psychology.  I can’t imagine it. But, I am really glad he can.  In terms of morality and getting along with kids, it looks to me like it is he and my youngest are the ones that I can get along with the best.  Who would have guessed?

(If my older children are reading this, yes, this means the house is still in #4’s name, with a stipulation that he be allowed to live on the property, and there is not a damn thing you’ll be able to do about it.  No, they will NOT be paying you rent.)

I will tell you, had someone walked up to me and said, this is how your life is going to be in a few years.  I would have had a great laugh.  I would have thought it a huge joke. I could have never imagined the mess that this family is in now.  My #1 informs me that it isn’t healthy.  But, she is not willing to be held accountable, and until she can be, I can not let her in my home for fear of being abused.  It’s just not going to happen.  This is my line in the sand.  I am drawing boundaries really loud and clear.  I’m not old enough for her to start telling me what to do just yet. (ya, she told me to “think long and hard”-she can say what she wants, but I am probably more hard headed than she is, and she is not going to like how this is going to turn out)

I have kids who probably don’t believe I love them.  But, I do.  I can not say that I like them all, but I do love them very much.  I have severe emotions about how I am being treated by the two oldest.  Considering they know that I am a good person who tries very hard to not hurt people, and as hard as I have worked for them in all my years of mothering (34 years!!! –I am 55 now.  I’ve been a mother longer than anything else I’ve done in my life.) you’d think they could see clear to cut me a break.  Or maybe they have….     A break…

There is more than one kind of break though.  I was speaking of a positive one.

And what I feel is a crash, and a crush that literally takes the breath away.  I am still,  in general, in a very bad place.

I try not to dwell, but this space that I have been in – is not safe in the least.

What I want more than anything else is release.

I just don’t want to be here anymore.

It is becoming very, very hard to ‘smile’ and go on as if everything is just fine and dandy.
I smile to convince myself, but forgot that I am not convincible.

I didn’t even decorate for Christmas this year. I saw no point. And that was before #4 decided to leave this house.

For whatever it’s worth, I am working on a ‘book’.  I am planning to put it on Amazon.

Poems, essays, my insight (ha! such as it is), photography.  Over the years I’ve had a number of poems published. Have been encouraged by a number of people to publish. A few even said that as far as they were concerned I was the best poet of our time.  That was a really nice compliment that I never took too seriously.  LOL.

My book will be breaking all the rules.  I will talk about things that I am not supposed to talk about.  I am going to have my way–one way or another.  🙂 This is normal for this particular Peggy.  Should I choose to ‘release’ myself after the book is out there, any royalties will be directed to my (ex)husband. For though, he is hard to ‘live’ with, there is absolutely no doubt that I am loved.  And I owe him.  He is the only person I ‘owe’ at this point in my life.  12/29/2017


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