Because…

Written to explain why I was leaving my first husband. If you read between the lines,  you’ll see the sadness of domestic violence and the effects of being caged in for many years.
Written by: Peggy A. Rowe-Miller©July 3, 1994
Wipe away the tears.
Clear your conscience of the blame.
There are no rights or wrongs,
No time for bitterness or fear.
I am not doing this because of you.
I do this for ME!!
I am doing it because I am tired of faking smiles.
Pretending I am in love when I am not.
I am doing it because I am tired,
of what protocol says I must.
A “good” girl or “bad” girl, I AM NOT!!
I am doing it because I am tired of being second.
Because I am tired of the cycle of lies and secrets,
they happen over and over again.
I am doing it because if I stay I will be stunted,
and I don’t want it that way.
I should have never had to beg to be understood.
There is no warmth in my soul for you anymore.
Because I AM still young…
What I really want to do is fly.
Because the best way to care for my children,
is to care for ME!
For they learn by example,
Being miserable is not what I want them to see.
And because I am tired of the violence,
I just want to live in peace.
Because I want to have the opportunity to be
loved and held,
just because I am me!
Not because I am another trophy.
Because it gives me the strength I need to let myself cry,
When you ask why, I can say… “It is none of your business, let me feel my pain with dignity.”
I am doing it so that I can have boundaries.
Because it’s not okay, and it hasn’t been for the whole time.
I need it for me.
For if I don’t give myself credit,
and find myself worthwhile,
If I don’t stand up now, I will have failed.
Failed myself before all others, and
I can not do that to me.
Failed my children who are god given gifts…
They deserve respect.
Failed the truth that I hold on to so dearly.
Because I am alive and lovable.
Because I can’t trust an abuser with the keys anymore.
Because the love I seek is encouraging and compassionate.
It knows empathy, and enjoys spirit.
I want a love that allows me to be me.
That allows the safety to let me experience life’s joys
BEFORE I feel the need to run away.
Because I should have been allowed some privacy,
because it’s the last harmful cycle in my life.
I am the one who can break it.
I’ve told my last secret….
it’s time to let myself just BE.
Because when it’s come down to holding the proverbial gun to another’s head…
then it is time to go.
That, my sweet, is no way to live.
Because I have found an untapped depth in myself,
I want to touch and explore.
Ignorance is not bliss…
and to force it upon myself…
will narrow the scope of MY
human experience.
I take the responsibility…
I accept the consequences…
I know it will not be done without pain.
but, this I must do…. for me….
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