Stressed… The Understatement

The boyfriend that never was..,
It sounds as if my ex is here… Here in Oregon..

I’ve had one year of 100% bliss, and now it’s over.  I keep getting calls today from a phone that comes up with the caller id as “unavailable”, I’d bet it’s him, cause from a payphone it would come up as that…  I don’t answer calls where I don’t know who it is… how in the world did we ever survive without caller id?

I called is home yesterday in Cloverdale.  Got no answer machine.  I figure if I called it now, it would be disconnected.  I won’t bother.

The bottom line is that he’s here now. Now, I have to share our baby, well, our seven year old girl.  And you know that’s not so bad, except that he’s got so many problems, and I don’t want to deal with all the extra stuff that goes with it.

Like.. when he asks me for money, or when he wants to see his daughter but can’t feed her and expects me to provide groceries.  Last time I took her to see him in Cloverdale, he wanted to take her to pizza, but btw, Peggy, do you have money so I can buy her pizza.  The answer is and will forever be no, but he doesn’t listen. He just asks….

He was born with a neurological problem.  I had no idea what that meant when I met him.  I just knew he was disabled and compared him to my father who had had a heart attack.  My mother stuck it out with him until he left her.  So, I knew I could love a disabled person.  LOL!

But, what he is, and the diagnosis came after my little girl was born, is a form of high functioning austim, Asperger’s Syndrome.  He’s impossible to live with especially if he gets overwhelmed.  At that point, he gets impulsive, compulsive, and violent. After his father died, and our daughter was born, I found out how he really was.

I decided during the pregnancy that I didn’t want to live with him anymore.  After she was born, I was actually his guardian for awhile, while we tried to get him help through a non profit.  They would have helped him with handling his money and so forth, and believe me, he needs it.  I was gonna get him the help and get the hell out of there, but they turned him down… as the years went by he became more and more dependant, and more violent.

He eventually, black mailed me when I finally got him tossed out for snorting his ritalin.. Yes, people snort their ritalin.  He promised me if I Didn’t let him back into the home, he’d tell the system that I was taking money under the table.  At the time I was collecting state insurance for the kids, and maybe food stamps.  I was so ashamed and afraid, that I’d go to jail that I let him back in. I look back and realize how silly I was.  I didn’t bring in a lot of money, we were barely surviving… but I got scared and that was that…

It took me another year to get rid of him.  To do that, I had to find him a place to live, and then… I had to pretend to find a house I was buying and tell him flat out that he wans’t going with me.

Once I had him out, he still expected me to take care of him…. for example, he was out of heating fuel for months…  and didn’t get any until I found out that Salvation Army would help him and fixed him up.  Because we have a child together, he has felt in the past at least, that I was obligated to take care of him.

Bull shit! is what I say to that.. i will not take care of him any more.  He’s moved up here, and probably doesn’t have a place to live yet (any one know where there is section 8 housing that will accept a 46 year old man, with a 19 year old, probably developementally delayed girlfriend, and two dogs and a cat?).  I expect anytime for them to show up at our door step looking as pathetic as possible looking for a tent in our yard… and the answer will be a resounding NO.

I found out too late, that Oregon does not add state funds to the federal funds that SSI recipents get from Social Security. So to top it all off, his monthly income is going to go down by around $200.00 a month…. all the more reason I’m sure for him to let me know how hungry he is…

And he is fighting for at least partial custody of our child!  And the state will probably give it to him, there is no accounting for govermental idocy…

enough… for now.. I’ve typed more here today than I have the whole time I’ve had the account!

Have a good one.. Peg

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“Joie de Vivre”

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I have had so many people the past few days ask me what this means: “Joie de Vivre” .

I save… snippets of things I like on my computer.  I have dozens of these things.  I have three favorites, that mean something to me especially.

Joie de Vivre is French for  “Joy of Life”

One of my motto’s in life, is to just ENJOY it! We only go around once so far as I know.  I mean, I hope there is a God, and heaven and I get another shot. But, what if there isn’t, shouldn’t I make the most of it while I am here?

I stop to smell the roses, I try to remember to enjoy my kids (even if they are driving absoutely nuts!),  counting my blessings (my house is such a wreck, but, hey it’s MINE).

It’s in my tagline on the bottom of my emails along with “my” other two mottos in life.  It is there to remind me to always enjoy my life.

:0) Love to you all, Peggy

P.S. I took the barn picture was taken a few years ago. It is fairly close to the Sonoma County/Mendocino County line on Highway 128, outside of Cloverdale, CA.